Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
