You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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