I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
