i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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