There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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