over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
