I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
