i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
