Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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