take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
