last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Im part way to drunk.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
