so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
