I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
