I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
