just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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