whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
