wakey wakey hands off snakey
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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