sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
and she was petting her beer can
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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