I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
