Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
