No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
