Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
