Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
