it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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