my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
