Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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