Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
