I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
