The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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