There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
