Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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