She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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