Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
