two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
