Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
