from now on my penis is your penis
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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