i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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