nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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