Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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