Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
