I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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