Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
