I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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