i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
