Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
