College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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