Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
