I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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