I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
