you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
